


bad reputation

by loretoo



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bottom Katsuki Yuuri, Dubious Consent, Experienced Katsuki Yuuri, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, Sex Addiction, Slut Shaming, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:33:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11751192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loretoo/pseuds/loretoo
Summary: Victor found love.Yuuri has a background.And he's a way more complicated character than Victor gave him credit for.





	1. Everybody knows Katsuki Yuuri

Victor couldn’t contain his smile when he saw the notification of a new message. He felt like a thirteen year old girl with a crush everytime his phone rang, the butterflies on his stomach unstoppable and the giddiness that made everything look so exciting and beautiful was becoming a constant on his everyday life. Ah, what a wonderful feeling… to get to know someone new, learn about their passions, the things they liked and the things they hated, the little details about them that made them special and unique individuals. He loved the human race, he loved being back in college, he loved Detroit, he loved life! 

“What are you smiling so much about?” Chris asked, dropping his bag on top of his desk and then throwing himself on his bed. Victor locked his phone and smiled dreamily. 

“Chris...” he sighed. “I found  _ love. _ ”

Chris sat up. “Victor… oh my god, tell me everything!” 

Victor grabbed Chris’ hands between his own, looking at him with heart on his eyes. “He is  _ the one _ , I’m sure of it! We have been seeing each other only for a couple of weeks but… you don’t understand. I’m  _ in love.  _ He’s so cute and shy and gorgeous, and his ass is so round and perky. But he’s also so smart and I feel like I can talk about anything with him and never get bored!” 

“Wow, Vitya… to be honest I never thought I would see the day.” Chris laughed. “But I’m so happy for you! And how did you guys meet? Is he from campus?” 

“Yes! I was at the library and he was reading the exact same book I was looking for! So I stood there, I didn’t really know what to do because I really needed the book but he was so concentrated reading it that I just couldn’t go over there and take it from him, right? He uses this nerdy glasses and when he reads they go down his nose slowly, it’s so cute! Anyways-”

“Victor…”

“Sorry, sorry. So anyways, when he noticed I was there he looked up and  _ his eyes,  _ Chris. I’ve never seen a more breathtaking pair of eyes. He got super red and apologized and he handed me the book right away!”

“Didn’t he need it too?”

“Exactly! So I asked him and he told me that he was currently working on his thesis and oh god, he was so shy about it but his voice is so pure and soft? I couldn’t get enough of it so I asked him out for lunch.”

“Nice!” Chris laughed.

“We left the book at the copier and went to HopCat. We talked non stop! He’s amazing, really. We have been seeing each other ever since and we actually have another date tonight! His name is Yuuri, he’s from Japan and I really,  _ really  _ want to marry him. Do you think it’s too soon?”

“Wait.” Chris said, taking his hands away from Victor’s grip, his smile dropping. “Yuuri? Yuuri Katsuki?” 

Victor’s face brightened. “You know him?” 

Chris looked awkward all of the sudden. “Uhm, yeah. Kind of. I mean... who doesn’t know Yuuri Katsuki, right?” 

Victor’s smile stayed on his face. Frozen, but oh so different from his previous dreamy smile. “Uhm… excuse me? What do you mean?”

“Oh. Oh… nothing, he’s Phichit’s friend. That’s all.” Chris stood up from his bed. There was clearly something he wasn’t saying and Victor could read it on his friend’s face as clear as water. “Speaking of my Phichit, I’m going to see him. It’s our anniversary and-”

“Your anniversary is in April.” Victor deadpanned, standing up from his bed as well. 

“Right… whatever. Bye, Victor!” 

Victor grabbed Chris’ arm before he could escape, and pushed him back inside the room, shutting the door.

“Christophe.” Victor’s smile was gone. “Come on, what is it? If there’s something I need to know...”

Chris sighed. “It’s just that… you shouldn’t date Yuuri, okay? He won’t be good for you. Don’t ask me why, but trust me. I’m your friend, right? I want what’s best for you.” 

“You can’t just say that and then not explain, Chris.” Victor crossed his arms. “I really,  _ really  _ like him. And I  _ really  _ want this to work out, okay? It’s been… Damn, I can’t even remember the last time I liked someone like this.”

Chris’ heart broke at Victor’s puppy eyes. “Ugh… okay. I’ll tell you.” He took a deep breath. “Well, Yuuri is  _ known,  _ you know?”

Victor raised his eyebrows. “No, I don’t.” 

Victor’s cold eyes kind of frightened Chris, even if he was a few centimeters taller than the Russian. “In the… gay scene? I really don’t know how to explain it better.”

Victor looked confused. “So he’s gay. Great! What’s the problem, then?” 

“It’s not… well, he  _ is  _ gay, yes. But…”

The russian huffed, turning away from Chris and grabbing his jacket. “You know what? I don’t even care, Yuuri’s perfect to me and I really want to get to know him better. I don’t-”

“He’s a slut, okay? A whore. Everybody with a dick in campus has probably fucked him, so you don’t want to date him unless you want to get a STD or someth-”

Victor was not a violent person, but he couldn’t stop his hands when they pushed Chris against the wall. 

“Shut up!” he yelled, furious. “How dare you speak like that of Yuuri?!”

“Well, you wanted the truth?! There you have it, he’s a nympho or whatever and everybody knows you can go to Katsuki if you need a quick and easy fuck.” 

Victor shook his head in denial. “If you have a past with Yuuri and you’re jealous about us dating then be man and tell it to my face! But don’t make false rumors that could seriously hurt him! I really like him and I won’t let you talk shit about him like that! What the fuck, Chris?!”

With that said, Victor grabbed his things and left the room, shoving Chris away when he tried to stop him. He couldn’t believe his friend of years could speak like that about Yuuri. As if Victor was going to fall for it! With the way Yuuri’s cute face flushed red and his deer-like eyes didn’t meet Victor’s when he was more forward with his flirting, it was more likely the boy was a virgin than a… a  _ slut _ , as Chris had called him. And what an awful way to call someone. No one deserved to be shamed like that for their past, it was sick!

Victor walked with no direction until he made up his mind and went to the library, to the same spot he had met Yuuri seventeen days ago. 

He couldn’t stop his mind from repeating over and over Chris’ words, it was infuriating. He sat on the floor and closed his eyes trying to shut his brain. Victor smiled when his thoughts drifted to his memories of Yuuri… Yuuri’s eyes, Yuuri’s laugh. The way his cheeks lifted and turned that beautiful shade of pink when he got excited while speaking. It was childish, but he had come to the library with the hope of finding him here.  

He sighed. He remembered he was going to meet Yuuri that same night for dinner, and it felt like a huge weight lifted from his chest. He needed to see him, to hold his hand and maybe kiss his cheek. They hadn’t even kissed yet, and that’s why Chris’ words made even less sense than before. Yuuri was shy and elusive. It was hard to get him to talk about himself but when they found a topic that interested him, no one could stop him. And no one would dare, at least not in Victor’s presence. Even his accent came stronger when he got excited, which Victor found endearing. 

Victor took his phone out of his pocket and opened his and Yuuri’s chat, but right as he was typing a message to ask him about the time they were meeting, he heard whispering very close to where he was. 

“I’ll be waiting tonight.” he heard a male’s voice. It was coming from the other side of the bookshelf. “You are not busy, right?” 

The reply was almost inaudible. “I don’t- I don’t think I can make it tonight.”

“Are you serious? Me and my roommate have been waiting for days! You promised us… Come on, our balls are fucking blue.”

Victor’s cheeks got red. Was that man... proposing a threesome?

“I don’t know… I’m not in the mood tonight.” replied the other, shy and mumbling. 

“Oh, don’t make me laugh. When are you  _ not  _ in the mood, Yuuri? Stop making excuses, if you don’t like us or something just say it.”

 

Victor’s blood froze.  _ Yuuri? _

 

“It’s not that… I’m sorry.” 

 

That voice…

 

“Forget it, I’m outta here. I can’t believe you can fuck Smith or  _ Collins _ but play the prude when me and Ian ask you.” 

Victor stayed there, sitting between the bookshelves when he saw a guy walk past him. And a few seconds later,  _ Yuuri.  _ Shy, sweet, nervous Yuuri. He ran after the guy, not noticing Victor at all. 

The russian stood up quickly, trying to stay as hidden as possible but still peaking on them. It was the most masochist part of his brain that did it, for sure. He couldn’t hear what they were saying but he could see Yuuri whispering something on the other guy’s ear, something that made him smile and… kiss him on the lips? Victor felt dizzy. 

He grabbed his head between his hands. Victor couldn’t believe what he had heard… Yuuri… why?

And then, to make everything even worse, he remembered pushing Chris’ against the door and yelling at him.

“Fuck…  _ fuck.”  _

Victor stayed there for a while, until a buzz coming from his pocket made him jump out of his skin. 

 

_ Yuuri （⌒▽⌒） (1 unread message) _

 

His finger hovered over the screen before opening the text. 

 

_ Hi Victor, I’m sorry but something came up and I won’t make it tonight for dinner. Maybe we can get lunch tomorrow? On me? I’m sorry this is in such short notice.  _

 

Victor felt nauseous. Did Yuuri Katsuki cancel their date to go have a threesome? He knew he didn’t have any right over him or what he decided to do with his own time (or body), but he still felt cheated in some way. He never thought they were exclusive but why was his body reacting like this? He felt on fire, he felt like pulling his hair out, he felt like screaming! 

Swallowing his ego and dignity, he stood up from the floor and went back to his room. He had a lot of apologizing to do. 


	2. Where You Come From

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri's past and how he came to be what he is today.  
> Also, Victor takes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please be aware of the new tags: Dubious consent and unprotected sex!  
> Also, (SPOILERS) mentions of Yuuri having sex at 17 with an older man (27-28 years old)

Yuuri didn’t have any friends since he was fifteen years old and his family moved to the United States of America looking for better opportunities, making him lose everything he had in Japan. A few friends, a comfortable routine and his loyal dog were everything Yuuri needed to be a happy kid, basic things that helped him with his anxiety and depression. But moving to a new country, his lack of social skills, the cultural shock and his poor english inevitably isolated the japanese boy, leaving him missing his quiet and familiar town.

He couldn’t even bring Vicchan, his dog, with them to America.

From then, Yuuri survived. He stayed away from bullies and noisy classmates, preferring to bury his head on books and homework instead of trying to socialize to only be mocked for his accent.

But even if Yuuri didn’t have friends, it didn’t mean that he didn’t want them. He yearned to have someone to talk to, to go for ice-cream after school or to the movies. He missed his friends’ smiles when it was his birthday and the gossip about their teachers and other classmates. But it wasn’t after a couple of years later that he found out something about himself that could bring him close to having that.

After his seventeenth birthday, Yuuri had grown up to be a fairly handsome young man. He had gotten taller, his baby fat disappeared from his cheeks and his body got leaner, his ass fuller and waist smaller. His skin was fair and pale, his lips naturally red and full. His brown, wide and single lidded eyes gave him a mysterious aura around him and his black hair fell beautifully down his forehead. Without noticing, he began to attract the hungry eyes of his classmates, eyes that stayed on his body longer than necessary, looking at his curves and attributes as if eating him alive.

It was during that time that a man appeared in Yuuri’s life.

His name was Luca. He was handsome, kind and smart. He was also a substitute teacher at Yuuri’s school after their math teacher got pregnant leave. Luca was fresh out of college and it was obvious how half the girls in Yuuri’s classroom sighed when he kindly helped them with the difficult bits of their maths problems.

The first time Luca praised Yuuri on his excellent marks in front of the class, Yuuri felt his stomach turn in a way that he had never felt before. It wasn’t the typical nervousness that he had learnt to live with, but a special giddiness that made him smile and blush. After that, Luca’s interest in Yuuri became a constant, making him laugh and feel special. The japanese boy loved it, he found in Luca someone he could trust, someone who understood him and made him feel safe and comfortable.

After a while, Luca began to call Yuuri to his office only to chat, to show him college possibilities and for the boy, there was nothing strange about it. Not even when Luca took him for hot chocolate on a rainy day, McDonald's on a sunny day or popcorn at the movies on a friday night. Yuuri’s attraction for Luca grew day by day and he didn’t miss the way Luca’s eyes stayed longer than necessary on his face, his lips or the rest of his body. He knew it wasn’t right, he knew he was underage and Luca was his teacher and older than him by almost ten years but _god_ it felt good to be finally acknowledged.

Yuuri’s parents knew nothing. They were always busy with their small ramen restaurant and they were glad Yuuri finally had a friend to hang out with after school instead of spending all of his time helping around in the kitchen or the cash. So when Luca invited Yuuri to his place, they gave him an encouraging smile wishing their son good luck on his first sleepover.

And after that night, Yuuri’s life changed forever.

It started out with a shy and hesitant kiss that soon escalated to a heated make out session with Luca on top of his student, tugging at his cotton shirt, trying to kiss every little piece of skin he could get his mouth on.

And even if Yuuri’s heart was going a mile per hour, he didn’t want to ruin anything that could make Luca lose the interest he had on Yuuri. He didn’t want to lose his only friend. So he stayed still, giving Luca anything he wanted to take from Yuuri.

It didn’t feel bad at first. He had never been kissed before and suddenly he was being kissed all over. Luca didn’t waste any time in getting both of them naked, praising Yuuri’s beautiful body, touching his cock, bringing him to hardness. That part felt actually… pleasant. But then he had turned Yuuri around, commanding him on his hands and knees, fingering him open for five minutes at most and then entering him.

It hurt. A lot. In the middle of it Yuuri wanted it to stop, but he swallowed the knot on his throat and hid his teary eyes on the pillow and waited for everything to be over. It wasn’t long until his teacher finally came inside of him and fell next to him on the bed, but for Yuuri it took an eternity. He ran to the shower and cried, cried, cried.  

The next morning, Yuuri woke up to a note and ten dollars on the nightstand.

 

_Take a cab home._

_See you monday._

 

He didn’t. He walked, shame on every one of his steps, until he reached home and locked himself in his room, crying his heart out.

But monday came and Luca didn’t show up to school. Instead, a nice looking woman in her forties introduced herself as their new replacement for the next month. Yuuri never saw Luca again, and that only helped to fuel his anger, his disappointment and his sadness. He felt so, so stupid. Not only he realized that Luca had gotten close to him for one thing only, he had also lied to the only people he had left: his family. Now, he couldn’t even face them. If they knew what their son was up to while they worked so hard at their restaurant...

And that’s how it began.

Drowning himself in shame and self-hatred, Yuuri realized he had also a great power over men. Maybe he couldn’t make anyone love him or be his friend, but there was a way that he could at least get the physical closeness he needed so much. A closeness that made him forget, something so he wouldn’t feel as lonely, as ugly as he saw himself in the mirror, at least for a while.

After a physical education class, Yuuri stayed deliberately longer than necessary at the locker room. He knew a couple of his classmates looked at his body the exact same way Luca did (the thought of Luca and what he did to him still gave him a disgusting bitter taste on the back of his mouth), so he was certain they wouldn’t miss the opportunity once presented to them. To let it clear that Yuuri wanted this, he waited until the rest of the class left to drop his towel to the floor, presenting himself to the ones who stayed behind.

With time, it became a little easier. He learnt some tricks, to perfect his moves and to hide his anxiety under teasing smiles and sultry looks. He spent his last year of highschool as the most “popular” kid in school, even some of his teachers enjoyed Yuuri’s company from time to time, and he had successfully hide everything from his family. When the time came to apply for universities, Yuuri knew he had to go away if he didn’t want his reputation to follow him.

Detroit seemed like a safe option. It was on the other side of the country and they offered him a full scholarship due to his impeccable marks and his recommendations.

College was a chance to start all over again. He could make new friends who shared his same interests. People there would be more educated and nice than his high school classmates, he was sure, and thanks to all the sex he had during his last year at school, he had learnt some socialization techniques that he could use in Detroit.

Everything was smooth for the japanese for a few months. He loved college and having freedom, but by the age of nineteen, Yuuri was already an addict. He needed sex like he needed food, and on top of it, there was an annoying voice in the back of his head constantly screaming at him that his new friends only wanted his body, that he was boring them, that his mouth was not made for talking, that he should put it to better use and give them what they wanted if he didn’t want to stay all alone once again.

He gave up the first time he got drunk. That night, he had sex with whoever asked him, how many times they wanted. The rumor got away fast: Yuuri Katsuki was a slut. _‘If you need to bust one out, Katsuki will gladly help you’._ Yuuri could see everything crumbling around him but he couldn’t stop. The only way to shut his mind up was getting fucked into the mattress over and over. He just couldn’t say no when someone made an advance on him, even if he completely disliked the person.

What had started as a solution to avoid being isolated, became the reason he, once again, was alone. No one wanted to be friends with someone with such a terrible reputation. The only person that had tried to be his friend was Phichit Chulanont. He was an exchange student from Thailand and they had a class together when Yuuri was on his third year, and it had worked for a few months. It had worked amazingly, actually. Phichit was so much fun to be with, he didn’t know anything about Yuuri’s reputation but he was so open minded and carefree that if he knew, Yuuri was almost confident that his new friend wouldn’t mind.

That was until Phichit started dating Christophe Giacometti. Their relationship got pretty formal pretty fast, and after that it didn’t take long for the rumors about Yuuri to reach Phichit’s ears. The thai boy wouldn’t have minded at all, but Yuuri and Chris had slept more than once together in the past and malicious people convinced Phichit that Yuuri was a homewrecker, that he enjoyed breaking couples apart until he had one of the parties on the palm of his hand and then tossing them to the trash.

 

It wasn’t a surprise when Phichit broke the relationship altogether with Yuuri.

The depression that came after that sucked Yuuri into a never ending loop of sex partners, parties, alcohol and regret. Yuuri detached himself completely from emotions, becoming a person that could only think of one thing: sex. He didn’t remember the faces of the ones using his body. He just let himself receive everything those men had to give, sometimes not even caring if they used protection. Anything, to feel less alone.

He had come back to the way it was in highschool and it was all Yuuri’s fault.

Once again, Yuuri Katsuki was all alone.

Somehow, Yuuri had managed to pass every course and he found himself finally on his last year. The amount of free time he had during some periods of his thesis was a dangerous thing, but Katsuki was smart when it came to time management. The library became his place of preference to read and study, but that also meant the entire campus knew where to find him when they needed something from him.

It was one of those days that he met Victor Nikiforov.

Yuuri was sure he had never seen Victor before. There was no way the slut inside of him would’ve contained in front of such a handsome man. No, forget that. He was gorgeous, breathtaking, _inhumanly beautiful_. He smiled at Yuuri and asked him about the book he was currently holding.

“Actually, I was looking for that exact book.” he said, looking down. “But I guess you beat me to it.”

Yuuri’s cheeks heated up. “Oh, I’m so sorry! You can have it!”

He shoved the book into Victor’s hands. “Um, thanks? But… you had it first. Don’t you need it too?”

“Well, yeah… But-”

Victor smiled. “Here’s what we’ll do. Let’s get the book photocopied and while we wait, we can grab a coffee and get to know each other! If we both need the same book that means our research topics can’t be that different, right? My name is Victor, by the way.”

Yuuri was stupefied for a few seconds but he recovered soon and nodded. “Sure, let’s go. I’m Yuuri.”

Victor was perfect. He was nice and kind and funny and smart. Once they got comfortable and Yuuri assumed that yes, Victor was a real human being that looked like _that_ on a regular basis, he relaxed and began talking about his thesis and his research and how excited he was with everything he had discovered in the last six months of working on it. Victor listened to everything he said, smiling and replying in the right moments, sharing his experiences during his short time in America and finding everything Yuuri said (or at least pretending to) very interesting.

That night, Yuuri giggled to himself when he went to bed like a fifteen year old with a crush. He couldn’t wait to meet Victor again and just talk to him and spend time with him. He didn’t realize it then, but that night, the annoying voice inside his head was nowhere to be found.

Victor and Yuuri saw each other for a few weeks on a regular basis. Yuuri was reminded of the feeling he felt when he and Phichit began to form their friendship, but just as the thought of his former friend crossed his mind, Yuuri panicked.

Had Victor heard of the rumors? Was he getting close only for sex? Was he being nice so he wouldn’t feel so guilty about it afterwards? And if Victor didn’t know about Yuuri’s reputation… then how long would it take? Was Yuuri ready to lose another friendship once again?

 

“Yuuri.” Victor said, touching Yuuri’s chin softly. “Are you there?”

Yuuri smiled. “Yeah, sorry. What did you say again?”

“I just asked you if you were free tonight.”

“Yes, I am. Why? Did you want to go somewhere?”

Victor shifted on his feet. A dusty pink on his pale cheeks. “I wanted… Um, there’s a new restaurant close to campus. I read on the paper that it’s super good and I made reservations. Would you like to come?”

“Sure, of course.” Yuuri smiled reassuringly.

“But um… I don’t want to go as friends.”

Yuuri froze. “W-what?”

Victor cleared his throat. “I mean… I want to take you on a date! A real date… Um, I really like you so… Actually, I’ve never liked someone as much as you. Um… sorry, if you don’t want to-”

Yuuri was positive his entire face was a tomato. He looked down and almost whispering he said: “I would like that.”

“What?”

He spoke a little louder this time. “I would like that… I would like that very much.”

 

The rest of the day, the voice in Yuuri’s head was louder than ever.

_He doesn’t deserve you._

_He wants to fuck you and then leave you._

_You are disgusting for thinking so low of him._

_You are going to fall in love with him… it’s so easy to fall in love with him, isn’t it? And then he’ll find you getting fucked by three guys at the same time._

_You are not worthy of his time, break it off before it destroys you, you slut…_

 

Yuuri ran to the library. Everytime the voice got this loud he called someone and invited them over to his room, but this time he didn’t want to. He was nothing to Victor,-they weren’t boyfriends or exclusive-, but he didn’t want to fuck things up _again._ Yuuri really, really liked Victor. He didn’t know if Victor knew about Yuuri’s reputation but even if he did and he still asked him out on a date, that spoke very highly of him. And if he didn’t know yet, well… maybe Yuuri could leave everything in the past and start over.

By five pm, Yuuri’s skin was itching. He needed so get release, he needed to shut his mind up. The library was not doing its effect and the silence was driving him insane, so he walked to the spot where he and Victor met for the first time. Maybe the memory of those gorgeous blue eyes looking warmly at him would do the trick. And it did… for a while.

“Yuuri, I was looking for you!”  

Great. Jean Jacques Leroy was the last person Yuuri wanted to see right now.

“What do you want, JJ?” Yuuri asked, walking away from his and Victor’s spot to the opposite side of the bookshelf. That place was sacred and he didn’t want JJ or anyone else staining it. “I’m reading.”

“Well, if I remember correctly, a while ago you told me and Ian that you would visit us someday for a little fun.” Jean’s smirk was predatory. “And… it’s been more than a couple of weeks since then. So… I’ll be waiting tonight. You are not busy, right?”

Yuuri’s heart was going a mile per hour. This was the last thing he needed… the temptation right there on a silver plate. “I don’t- I don’t think I can make it tonight.”

“Are you serious? Me and my roommate have been waiting for days! You promised us… Come on, our balls are fucking blue.” Jean got closer, almost whispering into Yuuri’s ear. He shivered.

“I don’t know… I’m not in the mood tonight.” he lied, trying to keep his voice steady.

“Oh, don’t make me laugh. When are you _not_ in the mood, Yuuri? Stop making excuses, if you don’t like us or something just say it.”

“It’s not that… I’m sorry.”

Why was he apologizing? _Why was he so stupid?_

“Forget it, I’m outta here. I can’t believe you can fuck Smith or _Collins_ but play the prude when me and Ian ask you.”

Jean turned around to leave. Yuuri’s heart was on his throat. He was desperate, his mind was not working properly because he rushed to get to him before he left.

_What are you doing? Stop, stop, don’t do it._

“Wait…”

_Shut up, just shut up and leave… don’t say it. Victor, think of Victor._

“I’m sorry… I don’t know what I was thinking I… I’ll be there, I’ll go tonight.”

_Disgusting..._

“Great.” Jean smiled, stealing a deep kiss in the process, almost as a promise for what was to come. “I can’t wait.”

_You are disgusting..._

  


******

 

“So what are you going to do?” Chris asked, sitting next to his friend.

Victor had came back only minutes after he left, apologizing shyly for pushing him and calling him a liar. Chris tried to stay mad at him, but he couldn’t stay angry at his bubbly friend. They knew each other from ages, and for something as stupid as a small push, Chris wasn’t going to hold it against him.

“I don’t know… I mean, I don’t have any right over him. He can do whatever he wants with his body and free time but…” Victor sighed, leaning on his friend. “I feel so… empty, Chris. I like him _so much.”_

“He’s only going to make you suffer, Vic… Even if it works out and you end up dating, you are going to be constantly wondering if Yuuri’s cheating on you.” Chris sighed, caressing his friend’s silver locks. “And imagine the looks you are going to get. After all, most guys here have had their way with Katsuki. Hell, even the straight dudes only need a few drinks and they are ready to go.”

Victor stayed silent for a while. “Have you?”

Chris coughed, and Victor lifted himself from his friend’s shoulder to look him in the eye. “Y-yes. But it was way before I met my Phichit!”

“I see…” Victor sighed. “Did you… date?”

Chris snorted. “No, no... It was just sex. I don’t think Katsuki has ever dated someone.”

At this, Victor’s expression changed completely. His eyes were literally shining, and his smile was off putting. “Exactly!”

“Um, what happened? You're scaring me…”

“Yuuri has never dated someone. It’s just sex! But if I make him fall in love with me, _really_ fall for me he won’t need to go to someone else for that! We will be exclusive and happy and to hell what everyone else thinks! After me, all of that is going to be in the past!”

“Victor, I don’t think-”

“Chris. How do you know Phichit is not cheating on you?” Victor’s blue eyes locked with Chris’ green ones. He was completely serious about this.

“I… Well, I don’t. I just… know he wouldn’t. I trust him.”

“Exactly! And what do you think about his exes? Or previous experiences? They don’t matter, right? Because they are his past, but you are his present and that’s all it matters!”

Chris sighed. “Listen, I see your point, Victor, I really do. But I still think you should consider it some more. I don’t want to see you heartbroken again, love.”

Victor smiled and squeezed Chris’ hand. “Thank you for your concern. You wouldn’t be my friend if you didn’t worry, right? But I’m sure Yuuri is the one, Chris. I just can _feel it_ , and I’m going to trust my instincts on this one.”

“Well, I just want you to know that regardless of what happens, I’ll always be on your side.” Chris smiled, and hugged his naive, overly excited and sweet Russian friend.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your lovely comments in the first chapter! Hopefully, this chapter will clear some things out and now you understand more about Yuuri, his decisions and the way he acts like that!  
> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed this :)


	3. The First Step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Love can't fix things by itself.   
> In which they go on a date, and then another and there are confessions and tears.

“I’m sorry again for cancelling yesterday. You had reservations and everything…”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing, Yuuri. It’s fine.” Victor smiled, squeezing Yuuri’s hand on top of the table. “I’m happy to be here with you.” 

“Me too.” Yuuri smiled, keeping his hand there for a few seconds, until the waiter arrived. “This place is lovely. Fancier than I expected, to be honest. I feel… a little underdressed.” Yuuri smiled, looking at the decorations.

“Not at all! You are beautiful, Yuuri!” Victor smiled. Yuuri was wearing a blue button down with a gray sweater on top, khaki pants and his lovely glasses resting on his nose. Meanwhile, Victor had a casual dark blue suit with a white button down. Yuuri was looking at him with a deep blush on his cheeks and Victor realized what he had said. “I mean… you  _ look  _ beautiful. English, am I right?”

“Thank you.” Yuuri replied with a shy smile. The memory of Yuuri ditching him for another guy the night before passed briefly through Victor’s mind, but he shook his head and it quickly disappeared. “Victor?”

“It’s nothing, just thinking about silly things. Do you have any siblings, Yuuri?” Victor asked, changing the topic.

The japanese nodded. “I do. I have an older sister, Mari. She lives with my parents.” 

Victor smiled. “I wish I had a sister, I’m an only child.”

“Isn’t that kind of cool, though? You get all the attention, the presents and you get super spoiled with whatever you want?” Yuuri joked. The waiter came back with their food and once everything was settled, Victor replied shaking his head.

“Not really, my parents were always very strict with me so I didn’t really get spoiled like that.” Victor’s smile was sad. “I mean, if it weren’t for them I probably wouldn’t be here studying in such a prestigious university but… I don’t know, sometimes I wish they were more… tender?”

Yuuri sobered up, poking his food with his fork. “I’m sorry.” 

Victor laughed out loud, the sadness in his smile was nowhere to be found. “Don’t be silly! They loved me,  _ love  _ me, it’s just the way they were! I don’t resent them or anything. But I want to know more about you. I want to know everything about you, Yuuri.”

“Well,  _ everything  _ is…” he shifted awkwardly on his seat. “That could take a long time.” 

“I don’t mind,” Victor interlocked their fingers together, caressing with his thumb the back of Yuuri’s hand. “We have all night.” 

 

The conversation flowed easily. It was easy to talk with Yuuri, open up to him. And the fact that this was an official date did nothing to change their dynamic, the comfortableness that they had achieved so far. The food was absolutely fantastic and it made Victor happy to see Yuuri eating with so much vigor. Victor learnt more about Yuuri’s family, about their restaurant and his life in Japan. Yuuri eagerly told him about his friends back there and the food and the amazing hot springs owned by his grandparents but that had to be shut down. He learnt about Yuuri’s dog and how devastated he was when he had to leave him back in Japan under the care of a family friend, Minako. 

However, Yuuri shared little about his life on high school in America and even less about his college years. Victor noticed how he didn’t mention anyone from their university, and all his anecdotes featured himself on his own. 

Victor wasn’t too bothered by this. He wasn’t expecting Yuuri to spill everything on their first date. He didn’t even want to know about what Yuuri did with other people, he just wanted to understand him better and maybe comprehend his motivations but if that was a part of Yuuri’s life he wasn’t ready to share, Victor was okay with that. 

When he caught Yuuri reaching a wall and getting a little anxious about sharing so much, then Victor met him there and shared something of his own. He told Yuuri about Russia, about his cousin with the same name as Yuuri who was coming to America in a year, also for college. He showed him pictures of his beloved dog Makkachin who was also in Russia and that he hadn’t seen in a year. 

“Yuri is bringing him to me. I’ll find an apartment so we can live together since Yuri is a little grumpy and doesn’t like the idea of sharing a dorm room with someone.” 

Yuuri smiled, staring at Victor’s warm smile. “Your smile softens when you talk about him. Yuri.” 

“I guess he’s the little brother I never had. He acts like an angry kitten most of the time but once you get to know him, he’s just a sweet and innocent seventeen year old. His mother left him when he was ten and that’s why he doesn’t trust people and presents himself to the world as a coldhearted, kind of rude person.” 

“That’s terrible.” Yuuri whispered. 

“I’m sure college will be good for him. He’s going to meet new people, learn to socialize better… I’m happy for him.”

Their dinner was over way too soon, and after Victor paid for their meal, —not without a little fight from Yuuri, wanting to split it—, they walked back to the dorms. It was a nice night, with a full moon high on the sky. Victor wished he could make it longer just to be able to spend a few more minutes with Yuuri.

As if the gods had heard him, a glowy sign Victor hadn’t seen before appeared on their way back. 

“Yuuri, look!”

‘ _ Ice Rink _ ’ it read. And under it, ‘ _ Open Now _ ’ in big red letters that shone under the night sky. 

“What?” Yuuri asked, reading the sign. He didn’t look half as excited as Victor. 

“Come on! Let’s go in! I haven’t skated in years!” 

 

***

 

“Victor! Help me!” Yuuri laughed, sliding across the ice while Victor skated gracefully around him, drawing patterns on the ice. “How are you so good?! This is unfair!” 

Victor went back to Yuuri, grabbing his hands firmly so he could pull him slowly. “I was trained. I was going to be a professional ice skater and go to competitions and everything! I was quite good, actually.” 

“I can see that,” Yuuri smiled, but then his eyes stayed on Victor’s face and on the way his blue eyes seemed a little sad all of the sudden. “So what happened? Why did you stop?” 

Victor shook his head. “Got in a car accident at twelve. Smashed my knee. I was fine after that but they told me I could never skate competitively again.”

Yuuri gasped. He squeezed Victor’s hands tighter, trying to offer some comfort. “I’m so sorry, Victor.” 

“It’s okay.” Victor smiled, pulling Yuuri into his arms and hugging him around his waist. “It was a long time ago. It just wasn’t meant to be.” 

Suddenly, they found themselves extremely close to the other, the warmth of their bodies comfortable in the middle of the cold ice. Victor tightened his hold around Yuuri’s waist, looking at the way the japanese’s cheeks were tinted in red, his lips parted and his pupils dilated. 

How beautiful, Victor thought. 

_ How many people have seen you like _ — No. 

Victor stopped himself before his mind wandered towards that dark place.

“Could we?” he whispered instead, closing even more the distance between their faces. He even heard the sharp intake of air Yuuri took at the motion.

“Could we what?” Yuuri asked back, almost on instinct. His eyes went from Victor’s eyes to his lips.

“Meant to be.” Victor clarified, enjoying the way Yuuri’s cheeks got pinker.

“I… I don’t know.” 

“Neither do I.” Victor smiled. He let go of Yuuri, but he still kept their fingers interlaced. “I guess we’ll have to find out.”

 

At the end of the night, they stood outside of Yuuri’s dorm room facing each other. Once again, Victor could read Yuuri’s expression like an open book. He was internally debating with himself whether or not to invite Victor inside, whether or not Victor was going to be ‘one more’ if they slept together on the first date. 

“I had a lot of fun.” Victor said instead. “I hope we can see each other soon, and do this again.”

Yuuri smiled. “We see each other almost everyday.” 

“I meant… like another date. A second date. I, uhm… I meant what I said the other day. I really like you and I want this to work out.”

“Me too.” Yuuri replied, letting out a relieved breath. “I had a lot of fun. Thank you for everything.” 

With his right hand, Victor guided Yuuri’s face up by cupping his face softly. He almost melted at the way Yuuri relaxed into the touch. Very carefully, he stepped closer and closer until he pressed his lips against Yuuri’s soft ones in a chaste kiss.

“Good night.” he whispered, and then he left.

 

***

 

_ Don’t call them. Don’t call them. Don’tcallthem. DON’TCALLTHEM.  _

Yuuri’s mind was going a mile per hour. He hadn’t seen Victor in a couple of days after their perfect date taken straight out of a romance novel, and he was going  _ insane _ . 

He had had the hope that Victor was going to pin him against the wall, make his way inside Yuuri’s room and fuck him against the mattress mercilessly. Instead, he had softly kissed him as if he was a blushing virgin and then left. 

Which was… ridiculously sweet. Obviously. Perfect and romantic and gentlemanly. 

But Yuuri… he had problems. In his head. His mind kept screaming at him to call someone over so the little voice screaming  _ ‘slut’  _ and  _ ‘whore’  _ at him would just shut up for a few seconds. His skin was itching with need but his stomach was turning uncomfortably, almost making him sick just out of disgust with himself. 

He picked up the phone and opened his texts.

Him and Victor weren’t anything official. Yuuri wasn’t even sure if they would be something eventually, but still felt like cheating. Yuuri felt bad as he wrote the message and as he waited on his bed for them to arrive.

He felt terrible as he opened the door for them, as he let them take his clothes off, as they pressed their wet mouths all over his naked body. 

He hated himself, he hated everything about his body and his brain. He hated that someone as perfect as Victor had his interest set on someone as pitiful as him, he hated that he wished the hands fingering him open were Victor’s instead.

For the first time in years, the delicious silence he so desperately craved, never came. 

 

***

 

Victor and Yuuri went on a second date and it was as perfect as the first one. 

The way Yuuri was able to be his true self with Victor was something he just couldn’t explain. It was an amazing feeling, to be able to talk and talk for hours without wanting to be apart. Victor was perfect in every way and he even if he liked him romantically and he kind of hated himself for it, he was also his friend. They could laugh and joke or have meaningful conversations and share interesting and nerdy facts about their researches, and Yuuri knew he wasn’t going to be judged.

However, Yuuri knew Victor was sooner than later ask him to be something… officially, which probably meant he was interested in Yuuri sexually and which meant being exclusive.

There was nothing Yuuri wanted more than that. To be in a relationship with someone he liked so much, to have company, to be able to share any thought and feeling that came to his mind with someone as wonderful as Victor. To finally have a friend that he could also fuck and not ruin it because of it. He wanted to have sex with Victor, he wanted to kiss him until they were both breathless and then cuddle him all night. He wanted to give back everything Victor had given him since they met each other and the russian had positively changed his life.

On the other hand, he was scared. He was scared because he knew he was going to have a relapse and he was either going to call someone or go to someone’s room or he just wasn’t going to be able to say no. He knew, he knew he was that much of a slut, that much of a dirty whore who couldn’t live without getting fucked unconscious. And it was going to hurt Victor  _ so much. _ He was going to break this beautiful man’s heart and in the process, his own too. 

When they were on their third date, which wasn’t really a date as much as ‘Yuuri and Victor going together  _ everywhere’, _ they were sitting on a bench at the park, sharing churros and hot chocolate. The minute Victor caught his eyes as they were laughing at a dumb joke, he knew it had happened. He had fallen irrevocably, hopelessly, in love with Victor Nikiforov. 

Victor closed the distance between their lips and kissed him just like that, deep and sweet and a little greasy. But it didn’t matter because the flip that his stomach made at the action made him forget everything else that wasn’t Victor and Victor alone. 

“Yuuri, I want to… I want to ask you something.” he said when they broke apart. 

“Yes?” he squeaked out. The nice feeling dying immediately and instead being replaced by dread. Here it came.

“I like you so much. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you a thousand times already.” he smiled shyly. “And I like spending time with you, since I met you, you brought life and… love, into my life.”

“Victor—”

“I know it’s a strong word. And I know we haven’t known each other for that long. But it’s how I feel, and I want to believe you feel the same, at least in some degree.” he grabbed Yuuri’s hand and squeezed it. Yuuri let him, unable to meet the intensity of Victor’s gaze on his face. “With that being said—”

 

“Let’s end this.”

“Be my boyfriend?”

 

They said it at the same time. Victor’s sweet words diluting in the air with Yuuri’s cold ones. The japanese could still feel those blue eyes staring at him, but he was too much of a coward to even lift his eyes from the ground.

 

“E—excuse me? Yuuri?”

“I’m sorry, Victor.” he explained. “I’m sorry if I… if I made you believe—”

“I don’t understand.”

“I like you too, I like being your friend and spending time with you. But I… I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend, you deserve someone better—”

“I asked  _ you  _ because I want it to be  _ you.  _ What kind of excuse is that, Yuuri? What is this really about?”

Yuuri finally lifted his eyes and looked at Victor. The russian was obviously confused and a little angry, but he wasn’t as hurt as Yuuri thought he would be. “Let’s stay as friends. It’s for the best, please Victor. I don’t want to lose you and becoming boyfriends is the short way to that. Please.”

Victor stayed silent for a while, thinking. “Yuuri, if this is about…” 

But then he stopped himself in mid sentence. Yuuri’s blood ran cold.

“If this is about _ your past _ , I don’t care about that. You can start over with me… we can start over, together.”

Yuuri sighed. “So you know.” 

Victor didn’t let go of Yuuri’s hand. “Yes, some of it at least. And I’ve known for a while but that didn’t stop me from falling in love with you. It didn’t stop me from wanting to be your friend, getting close to you… Yuuri, please. Can we put this behind us and just… start fresh?”

Yuuri laughed, no grace or humor filling the sound. It sounded wet instead, ironic. When he turned his face to look at the russian, he realized to his horror that Yuuri was crying. “That’s where you are wrong. This is not my past, it’s not… something I can just forget. This is my present, it’s who I am, it’s something I have to live with… and I hate, I  _ hate  _ myself for that. I hate everytime it happens, I hate my body and my inability to say no.”

“Yuuri—”

“I haven’t stopped since we have been going out. After you leave, everytime I grab my phone and call someone desperately like a whore in heat. Aren’t you disgusted? Do you really want to be my boyfriend knowing everyone on campus has had their way with me?”

“Let me help you then—”

“I don’t want your help!” Yuuri took a few deep breaths, trying to fight the panic attack slowly building in the back of his brain. “Victor, you are… you are an amazing person. You deserve someone better. Please, forgive me… I don’t want to lose you but—”

When Yuuri stood up, Victor tried to catch his arm but the japanese was quicker. He could barely breath. 

“I have to go. I’m sorry, Victor.”

 

***

 

Victor had fucked up. 

The problem ran deeper than he thought, and he had fucked up. 

He wasn’t hurt by Yuuri’s rejection, but he was deeply saddened at the harsh words Yuuri had used referring to himself. He was so much more than that, but he just couldn’t see it. He had a problem, yes, but who didn’t this days? What Yuuri didn’t know, was that his biggest problem was that he didn’t know how to fix it. He probably even thought he was unfixable.

Victor moped in his bed for approximately two days before he decided to do something. After all, there were two words that resumed Victor Nikiforov’s personality perfectly: optimist and hardworking. Yuuri said it was better for them to stay as friends? Then Victor was going to be the best friend in the entire universe. No friend would accept another friend thinking so little of themselves like that, right? No friend would stay with their arms crossed knowing the other had a problem so deeply rooted that had make them believe it was a part of them, right?

So Victor did what he knew best. He researched. He googled and went to the library and asked around about addictions and sex addictions and family support and group therapy, and any other affordable treatment that could help Yuuri. 

The more he read, the more he understood. He learnt that it was fundamental that the person had a strong family group supporting them, something that Yuuri probably never had before, at least not in Detroit. He also learnt, to his absolute horror, that 82 percent of sex addicted people had been sexually abused as children. Victor prayed for that not to be Yuuri’s case. 

In conclusion, he could have therapy and medication, meaning his problem had a solution. He was content with himself, but none of it was going to work if Yuuri didn’t come to him first. 

They hadn’t seen each other for two weeks. He had texted him a couple of times but the replies had been short and sharp words. Victor understood immediately, then, that Yuuri needed some time. A week after incident at the park, he walked to Yuuri’s room and stood outside the door for a few seconds, thinking whether or not he should knock. He finally decided against it when he heard what seemed to be moans coming from the inside. He suddenly felt so sick that he turned around and left. 

When he was finally outside of the building and the cold air hit his face, he could feel the hot tears in the back of his eyes, threatening to spill out. Even if he had promised himself not to interfere, he just couldn’t stop the reaction from hearing it first hand. He felt a mix of jealousy, anger and sadness, that only aggravated when two guys walked past him, talking loudly. 

“He’s like a beast this days. Yesterday he rode me for like… an hour.” 

“Holy shit, I should’ve missed class like everyone else.” 

Sometimes being an optimist wasn’t so easy. 

Victor returned to his bedroom feeling discouraged. He began thinking of how vulnerable Yuuri was at the moment, how sick it was for those people to use Yuuri without knowing a thing about him, without caring about his wellbeing. 

His mind wandered towards dark places. Images of Yuuri tied, being taken advantage of without his consent ran through his mind. There were so many of them but only Yuuri alone, and Victor couldn’t do anything. Should he run into the room and take Yuuri out of there forcibly? Would Yuuri be mad at him? Thankful? 

If Yuuri was addicted to heroin instead, would he do it? The answer was an absolute yes. Immediately. But this… This felt different, for some reason.

So he stayed away. He gave Yuuri time and if (no,  _ when _ ) he decided to come back to Victor, he was going to receive him with open arms and no judgements. He was going to give his everything, and even if Yuuri only wanted friendship from him, Victor was perfectly okay with that. 

 

A month and a half was what it took. 

 

Victor thought he was prepared, but when he opened his door to find Yuuri on the other side, looking effectively destroyed, his heart skipped a beat and his blood froze so hard and fast that he shivered. He wasn’t ready to see his Yuuri like this.

“No more.” Yuuri said through tears. He had red, angry marks in every bit of skin Victor could see. The red burn of something like rope around his neck, an ugly purple bruise on his cheekbone was forming, his lower lip had a cut and he was paler and skinnier than Victor had ever imagined possible. He was shaking and crying and when Victor hugged his small frame, he realized he was freezing as well. “I need help Victor I’m sorry, help me I need you I can’t keep going like this I’m sorry—”

“Shh,” Victor urged him inside the room and closed the door behind them, never letting him go. He couldn’t stop his tears either. Cupping Yuuri’s face carefully, he looked at his brown eyes, rimmed in ugly red. “Yuuri, what— what did they do to you?” He whispered in disbelief. He couldn’t believe someone… 

“I did this to myself.” Yuuri said. Even like this, Victor could still recognize Yuuri’s strength under the sadness. There was hope. “But no more, I want to change… I want this to stop. Will you help me?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see, the chapter count went up one more! So last chapter is going to be about Yuuri's recovery and I promise it will have lots and lots of fluff! I didn't tag this as noncon or rape because in general, Yuuri gives his consent for everything even if he's not in a good place mentally. That's why it's dubious consent. So during that month and a half, the guys that spent their nights with Yuuri were probably like: 'can we do this?' to which Yuuri replied 'yes', like a robot. It's sad, isn't it.   
> But I promise next chapter I'll kill you with fluffy sex and cuddles, okay? So please don't hate me yet hehehe

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Make sure to leave a comment and kudos if you enjoyed this!


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